Quotes and Text Messages

An 80-year-old man went into the confessional.

Old man: Father I’m an 80-year-old man, I’m married and I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long.

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A man goes into a store to buy a special birthday present for his daughter.

Man: How much for that Barbie on the window?

Salesgirl: Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie For $265.95.

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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and run away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her car’s window and yells, “PIG!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!”

They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen!

As American tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them, carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk which yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

Wife: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

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A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 130,000 miles on it.

The brunette said to her, “I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal.”

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These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. I honestly think they’re funny.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

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A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

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Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

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One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!”

“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

“Good, Mary.” Miss Figpot said, “Anyone else?”. “How about a lollipop!” said Steven.

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