Quotes and Text Messages

Speakers of the House

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Wish!

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Creation: A Brief History

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Whom to Let In First

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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

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A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician’s which was £100,000.

“Does that mean that the politician’s brain is much better than the Architect’s?” exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

“not exactly” replied the surgeon, “the politician’s has never been used.”

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says. “Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits. “Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. “Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please circumcise the boy, since he’s already going to be under anesthesia.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

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Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender:

Harvey: “Pour me stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

Eddie (bartender): “Oh yeah. And how did this on end?”

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all other, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Gentleman: “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman . . . I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
Friend: “Oh, come on now. Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
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A wife asked her husband . . .
Wife: “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
Wife: “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”
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Three guys are out to have a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free and in return, she will grant for them a wish.

One of the guys just won’t believe her, and so he says, “Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

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A couple went to an agricultural show way out in the country side one fine Sunday afternoon. They stayed around long enough to watch the auctioning of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

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