Quotes and Text Messages

Here is what a TYPICAL WOMAN say:
“What’s yours is mine!

And what’s mine is mine!”
(Mine only)

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Three tourists were traveling in South America: a redheaded Irishman, a black-haired Frenchman, and a blonde American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

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Mr. Bean felt ill, so the doctor gave him a tablet. He started cutting the sides of the tablet.
Doctor: Why are you cutting the sides?
Mr. Bean: To avoid the side effects!

Amo: Inday, may pulubi sa gate, paalisin mo nga!

Inday to Amo: Right away, Ma’am!!!

Inday to Beggar: Hey you putrid-smelling beggar with the diverse ambianceof scented junk that assails everybody’s nostrils and poisons everyone’s fresh and carbon free lungs. Please, go away now!!!

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Types of Maids

Obedient: “Nakahanda na po ako, Sir . . . ng pagkain.”
Polite: “Luluhod na po ba ako, Sir . . . para ma-bless and food?”
Careful: “Dahan-dahan naman po, Sir . . . bka mabasag ang plato.”
Addict: “Ang sarap Sir . . . sana araw-araw ganito lagi ang ulam natin!”
Concerned: “Bilisan mo, Sir. Darating na po si Ma’am . . . sigurado gutom na yun!”
Bless your naughty mind . . . hehe!

An 80-year-old man went into the confessional.

Old man: Father I’m an 80-year-old man, I’m married and I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long.

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A man goes into a store to buy a special birthday present for his daughter.

Man: How much for that Barbie on the window?

Salesgirl: Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie For $265.95.

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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and run away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her car’s window and yells, “PIG!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!”

They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen!

As American tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them, carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk which yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

Wife: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

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A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 130,000 miles on it.

The brunette said to her, “I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal.”

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These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. I honestly think they’re funny.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

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A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

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