“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

“Good, Mary.” Miss Figpot said, “Anyone else?”. “How about a lollipop!” said Steven.

“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!”, the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”.

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”

Last night when I passed my parents room”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”

A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

- “There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,

- “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

- “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied,
- “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied,
- “Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- “Yes?”

- “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

- “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

- “I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.

The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s a breeze!” “Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks. “A circumcision.” The first kid replies woefully. The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

2. VULNERABLE:
A. Female - Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION:
A. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT:
A. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT:
A. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE:
A. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE:
A. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL:
A. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male - A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

“Why is it that we don’t always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends?”

“A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.” Anonymous

Friends hold both the power to excel your life, or destroy it. - Adam Murphy

CONFUCIUS
Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage.

JESUS CHRIST
And all wept, and bewailed her: but he said, Weep not; she is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn, knowing that she was dead. And he put them all out, and took her by the hand, and called, saying, Maid, arise. And her spirit came again, and she arose straightway: and he commanded to give her meat. And her parents were astonished: but he charged them that they should tell no man what was done. (Luke 8:52-56)

MARTIN LUTHER KING
When people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory.

“The Time Of My Life”

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

So I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
My face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life