Quotes and Text Messages

A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 130,000 miles on it.

The brunette said to her, “I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal.”

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These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. I honestly think they’re funny.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

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A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

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Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

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One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!”

“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

“Good, Mary.” Miss Figpot said, “Anyone else?”. “How about a lollipop!” said Steven.

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There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked.

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”

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One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?” “I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.

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1. A THINGEY:
A. Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

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The Inevitable
Why is the cemetery like a lavatory?
Because, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.

Which to Wag

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Speakers of the House

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Wish!

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Creation: A Brief History

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Whom to Let In First

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