Quotes and Text Messages

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her car’s window and yells, “PIG!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!”

They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen!

As American tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them, carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk which yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

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1. A THINGEY:
A. Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

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Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender:

Harvey: “Pour me stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

Eddie (bartender): “Oh yeah. And how did this on end?”

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all other, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Gentleman: “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman . . . I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
Friend: “Oh, come on now. Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
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A wife asked her husband . . .
Wife: “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
Wife: “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”
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Three guys are out to have a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free and in return, she will grant for them a wish.

One of the guys just won’t believe her, and so he says, “Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

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