Quotes and Text Messages

Here is what a TYPICAL WOMAN say:
“What’s yours is mine!

And what’s mine is mine!”
(Mine only)

(more…)

Three tourists were traveling in South America: a redheaded Irishman, a black-haired Frenchman, and a blonde American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

(more…)

Mr. Bean felt ill, so the doctor gave him a tablet. He started cutting the sides of the tablet.
Doctor: Why are you cutting the sides?
Mr. Bean: To avoid the side effects!

A man goes into a store to buy a special birthday present for his daughter.

Man: How much for that Barbie on the window?

Salesgirl: Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie For $265.95.

(more…)

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and run away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

(more…)

A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 130,000 miles on it.

The brunette said to her, “I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal.”

(more…)

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

(more…)

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

(more…)

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

(more…)

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?” “I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.

(more…)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

(more…)

A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician’s which was £100,000.

“Does that mean that the politician’s brain is much better than the Architect’s?” exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

“not exactly” replied the surgeon, “the politician’s has never been used.”

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says. “Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits. “Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. “Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I’ll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please circumcise the boy, since he’s already going to be under anesthesia.

(more…)